nut hugger
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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