I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
