the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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