when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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