There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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