Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
