I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
