He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
