margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
