I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
