Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
this boner is exhausting
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
