Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
