We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
