she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
