so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
