How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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