My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
