Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
