We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
