Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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