He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Randomize
