If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You are a genius and a whore.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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