I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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