my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
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I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
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Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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