Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
