yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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