I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
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I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
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Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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