I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
