I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
