Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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