I wish my penis had an off switch
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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