Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
