I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
