we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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