Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
