The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
