Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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