i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
