Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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