I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
