I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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