Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
