Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize