Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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