After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
