On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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