The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
