new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
