a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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