Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
