tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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