i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
