I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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