Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
