Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
