I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
