So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
should my penis look like a turkey
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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