I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
